I wish I had an answer for why we often go back to our Pimps/Daddies. I've been trying to wrap my head around this myself. Trying to figure out why I do this time and time again. Is this Love? Is it my comfort zone? Is it because it's familiar? I've tried so hard over the past 18 months to get out and stay out of the game. I've tried a number of times in the past as well, but I always return to the life I've always known.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's me…insane! I'm searching for answers. I was told by several therapist that I have what is called “Stockholm Syndrome,” as well as “Trauma Bonding.” I have been brain washed and groomed. I understand the grooming very well. That is what all pimps do. They break us in. Break us down and turn us out. Which basically means they tear us down, take any bit of self-esteem we have and let us know if it wasn't for them we would not even exist! They break our spirit and over time it feels like they steal our soul. So we end up believing we are nothing without them. We can’t do anything without them. We are lucky to be alive another day because they allowed us to live. This brings more confusion! We feel we owe them a great debt simply by letting us live another day. They meet our basic needs.
But now, today, it's different for me. I'm questioning things my daddy says. Questioning his true motives. So, this brings me back to my question: Why do we/I go back?! I never questioned him before. Going back brings so much shame and guilt! I can't even begin to express to you how disgusting I feel for even talking to him again. When I feel the pull back to him and the life, I gradually start pulling away from the people I love the most. I feel so much guilt because they have been there for me time and time again and I feel I am only disappointing them. I try not to pull away because I've learned in the past 2 years these moments are when I need a support system more than ever. I feel guilt for still loving him. I feel guilt for questioning him now. I feel guilt for hating him at times. And I feel confused by all my conflicting feelings.
An let’s just get real here…my daddy does NOT even meet my basic needs. If it wasn't for a few people in my life I would not have toilet paper, food, soap, water or even my medications. Our daddies take all our money. They give us a little bit here and there if we’re lucky. I am so confused! Is this love? Is it a form of love? Not all pimps are violent but our daddy is extremely violent. Our daddy, my daddy, has known me since I was a child. He knows everything (and I mean everything) about me. He uses my darkest secrets and painful past against me. I'm just now realizing this. He creates confusion in my relationships. And the crazy thing about all of this is now he does not even mention specific names. It's hard to explain. I can't tell you what specifically he says or does to make me question relationships in my life. Somehow though he has got me second-guessing those closest to me. Making me always feel like a burden. Feeling like everyone is sick of me and I'd be better off to come back to him and not looking back. He also makes it seem at times like dying is my only hope. My only way out. My best option.
I don't think of him anymore as my savior. I used to. I am starting to see his weaknesses. At times I hate him! Then I love him again and feel sad leaving him! I have been told I go back because I have daddy issues. I never had a healthy relationship with my dad. The only “relationship” we had was sexual and physical abuse. He brings up often how for a while my mom chose my dad over me. How I was in foster care way longer than I should have been. How most everyone in my life that was supposed to take care of me and love me abandoned me. He reminds me he has never left me. He has never abandon me. It so F*&*ing confusing! I feel like I'm under water drowning. I can't breath! I'm swimming up as fast as I can towards the light. It's my only hope. Just as I reach the surface an start to take a breath, he reaches out an shoves me down in the water again. And all hope is gone!
I'm sharing this with you because maybe you have someone in your life who keeps going back to their Pimp/Daddy and you don't understand why. You try to figure it out but you can't. Now you see, we don't know why we go back either. We/I try an try to make sense of it all. It feels hopeless to some of us. It's like there is this internal war inside of us and we’re/I am losing! If you have someone in your life like us, please try and be patient. Please don't take it personally. And please don't walk away. We can't express to you the inner turmoil we feel daily! If you pray, pray for us. I believe there is no simple answer to this. I believe there are many factors that play into all of these complications. As I'm learning more about myself and starting to see, maybe I was brainwashed in a way. It's deeply hurtful. I spent my whole life serving this man who is supposed to love me unconditionally. I would have died for him. I've served time in prison for him. Because I'm loyal to those I love.
I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to y'all. I leave you with this. When you think we don't care, we do. When you think we’re okay, many times we are not. When we seem as if going back is not effecting us, it is. We live in constant confusion, guilt, and a feeling of worthlessness for still loving the only man in most of our lives we thought we could count on and thought loved us back. We call him Daddy.